However, it became evident that they had rather different ideas about how to get there as their daughter Tarela turned four.

In the rigid home where Sola grew up, discipline and obedience were not negotiable. His father was a strong believer in early bedtimes, strict rules, and no room for backtalk. Naturally, Sola’s first reaction was to yell at Tarela and demand obedience whenever she threw a fit or refused to pick up her toys.

Kemi, however, had been raised in a family that was more outspoken about their emotions. Her father seldom ever yelled, and her mother always inquired, “What’s wrong?” before administering punishment. For her, being a mom meant having empathy, understanding, and the ability to communicate feelings.

Kemi would kneel next to Tarela when she misbehaved, ask her questions, and give her a hug before correcting her.

Both of them initially believed their differences to be small. They would say, “She’s just a toddler.” “She will grow out of it.” However, the argument reached a climax one evening following Tarela’s especially heated tirade over a toy.

Raising his voice, Sola stormed into the living room and told Tarela to take a seat in a corner. “She’s tired,” Kemi said as she hurried in and took up the infant. Let me first soothe her. Sola felt devalued. It was disrespectful to Kemi. And for the first time, the disagreement was about each other rather than merely parenting.

Both of them felt like they were failing as partners and as parents, and they sat in silence that night, neither of them prepared to take responsibility.

The next day, Kemi made the straightforward suggestion, “Let’s talk—not about Tarela—but about us “and the reasons behind our feelings. A private, candid discussion over tea ensued.

According to Sola, he was more concerned about raising a daughter who wouldn’t be pampered or bully people than he was about control. He remarked, “I don’t want her to be disrespectful.” “I want her to be responsible and strong.”

Kemi understood and nodded. She went on, “And I want her to feel heard and safe.” “I don’t want her to be hesitant to express herself as she grows up.”

They understood then that they were fighting for the same goal, but by separate paths. They both desired to raise a well-rounded, resilient child. However, they were more concerned with style than content.

They chose to start out slowly. Initially, they developed a common parenting strategy—a flexible set of rules that permitted both compassion and correction. They left room for individuality while agreeing on several non-negotiables, such as nighttime rituals and no hitting. Sola would give an explanation rather than merely give an order if he felt the need to be strict. If Kemi wanted to console first, she would make sure that the penalties were still in place.

Additionally, they agreed not to contradict one another in front of Tarela. If they couldn’t agree on how to proceed, they would discuss it in private and come back with a consensus. This alone greatly decreased confusion and outbursts.

They went to a parenting course at their neighborhood community center one weekend. Although it wasn’t a miracle solution, it did provide them with tools, such as how to set limits without upsetting a child’s spirit and how to substitute “time-ins” for time-outs. They began to see that there was no one parenting approach that worked for everyone. Combining their viewpoints was their strength.

They eventually got together as a team. Sola continued to insist on structure, but he listened more and started to ask Tarela how she felt. Kemi continued to lead with compassion but improved the consistency of her punishment. They settled into a more organic beat together.

Because Tarela’s parents were more in sync, their family became calmer—not because Tarela suddenly became a wonderful child. Mutual respect took the place of the tension that had previously existed between Kemi and Sola. They gave each other additional compliments. They allowed for errors. They chuckled once again.

“You know, we’re not doing too bad,” Sola commented to Kemi one evening after putting Tarela to bed. Kemi grinned. “No,” she answered. “The important thing is that we’re learning.”

What they found is that parenting isn’t about wrong or right. It’s about combining our abilities, paying close attention, and working together to adapt. Differences have the power to teach rather than to divide. Additionally, couples strengthen their marriage and parenting style when they move from “me versus you” to “us for her.”

They ultimately had the best style: sincere, cohesive, and graceful.